July 25, 2019

I have tried to separate the paragraphs in these entries but it seems Blogger won’t allow it. Sorry about that! At the front of the building was a double set of curved steps. I went up there and sat in one of the curves. There was a fair amount of traffic on College Street and I didn’t want people to see me. I made myself as small as possible. The first thing I did was smash my watch beneath my heel - the second thing was rip open the seams on both sides of my sweater - then I thought “oh come on, get right to it, pull your eyeballs out!” That scared me enough to send me back into CAMH. There was a young man at the desk - I asked if I could see the doctor again. He phoned him but the doctor would not see me again. Nothing to do but leave. When I got to Whitby I was told patients do sometimes gouge their eyes out. I walk down the curved steps and out onto College Street, walking East, wondering if I should go to Women’s College Hospital. Yes, I decided, I should - I will try one more time which makes three times. Three times and no more. If I don’t get help I will go to the Bloor Viaduct and hopefully have the guts to throw myself over.

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